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Solace of the Shadows
Thursday, January 30, 2003
Glad to be back
Thats not to say BMT hasn't been such a bad experience so far
Its been a feeling of ambivalence so far, its had its high moments and its low moments. For one thing, i'm in Taurus company platoon 3, and i had heard quite a number of people tell me that its the most 'siong' company. I didn't really believe until i stepped in. I have the worst platoon seargent ever. Seriously, i have not heard any of the other platoon seargents shout like he has. He demands the almost impossible. Just a few days ago, we had to practise drills with our AR-15 rifles, and there was this drill which involved releasing the e-spring (the mechanism which loads a bullet into the chamber, or releases the boat carrier), and it makes this loud sound. He wanted all 50 of the recruits in the platoon to make the sound IN UNISON. And well we ended up doing the bloody drill at least 50 times. My palms were really red after that. Even pulling the trigger and closing the dust cover had to be done in complete unison or he'd shout 'SEMULA!' and 'FUCK YOU YOU UNDERSTAND?!?! FUCKING CHEEBYES, HOW MANY TIMES YOU ALL WANNA DO THIS?!?'. I pity the section under him man, they really got the brunt of his rage. Good news for the next batch though, he's going to ORD soon so we'll be his last batch.
On the other hand though, the rest of my seargents including my section seargent are super nice people. They punish and shout when they have to, but at least we know its because we deserve it and they're just doing their job. Even my platoon commander and the officers in charge of my company are reasonable people. They really exude a certain aura about them which makes one admire their ability. Maybe its the uniform, maybe its the attitude, it may sound cheesy but i do admire them in a way.
So many things have happened over the span of a few days but i can barely recall everything now. Key highlights were getting to do the standard obstacle course and of course drawing arms. I now have a wife. She's called SERC10890. She's an AR-15. Hah how dumb. They keep reminding us that our rifles are our wives. We have to bring it every damned where we go, even to pee or whatever. If not we have to keep it in our lockers, and incidentally i left my locker unlocked and my seargent entered our rooms and he took my rifle from my locker and made me knock it down for not locking it up haha. Ok my bad. We had to do some friggin weapons ceremony in the night where we would each be presented our rifle by our platoon commander and we'd have to snatch it from him if we wanted to keep it (like we had a choice), that was a killer parade having to stand up so long.
Some points about BMT so far
1. Don't bring such a big bag, or it won't fit into your locker. Bring black tape, ziplock bags, 5 proper hangers, a lock with a spare key to give to your buddy and make sure its not a combination lock. Ooh and lots of plasters and tape.
2. Most of the questions the seargents and officers ask are rhetorical. Such as, 'are you guys tired?' (you're supposed to reply 'NO SIR!') or 'did you get 7 hours of sleep last night?' ('YES SIR!') or perhaps 'is anyone going to fall out today?' ('NO SIR!') and my favourite 'how are you guys feeling?' ('OUTSTANDING, SEARGENT!')
3. Contrary to popular belief, the food at tekong is pretty good at times. Mealtime is something i find myself looking forward to haha. Even more so because the muslim food is prepared better and the queue is alot shorter. But if you're a slow eater you might as well don't eat at all because mealtime lasts about 15mins on the average.
4. The bunks are pretty damn comfortable too. You get to sleep on a spring mattress (hell i don't even sleep on one at home) and its not that hot because its quite cooling at night.
5. Weather at tekong is capricious. One moment its hot as hell, and the next moment its raining like mad. Or it can be hot but still it rains.
6. If you think you're finally free of boring lectures, you are wrong. Lectures are conducted quite often and this time you can't sleep unless you want to risk getting your ass screwed.
7. Bring your own food into camp. There are only 3 meals a day and a night snack but if you're like me who is perpetually hungry its not enough to sustain you so bring stuff in. Don't bring a handphone charger. Get a friggin battery.
8. I've gotten quite a number of cuts, bruises and blisters so far, the dumbest of which was when i slammed the upper and lower reciever of my rifle together on my palm while assembling it again.
9. 'Fuck' and 'CB' are the two commonly used swears. Even the most guai will end up using it. It just happens. Sometimes you feel so damn frustrated you just want to scream it out.
10. Area cleaning and stand by beds are a pain in the ass. I gotta clean the friggin staircase, and its damned irritating sometimes when you finish cleaning it and the platoon above you rushes up and down to get their stuff and dirty the place again in the process before inspection is carried out. Which brings me to the next point which is no matter how clean and tidy you think the place is, seargents and officers are always able to find dirt from some place and make you knock it down. In short, they will never tell you you've done a good job cleaning the place. In addition, pray you don't have to clean the toilets, i pity the people who have to.
Fortunately as well, my section mates are pretty decent and nice people so far except for one eager beaver, one control freak and one blur cock. The rest are pretty awesome to be with and i got the best two of them bunking on either side of me. However there's one complete cacat in my platoon which really sucks because he brings the whole platoon down sometime and he's super irritating (he even has the damn look on his face). Ok well in case you don't get it, each company has 4 platoons and each platoon is divided into 4 sections. Each section shares a room of around 12-13 people bunking together. Each section has a section commander and each platoon has a platoon seargent and a platoon commander which is looked after by the officers in charge of the company.
After all my wounds heal and i get enough rest, i'll be looking forward to booking in in a strange way, i don't know why. Coming back home is undoubtedly the best feeling in the world, but going back after a rest feels pretty good too. Thanks to those who kept me company in camp for a while, even though we hardly use the handphone much.
Ok well later folks, time to sleep some more.
Book out!!!
ok really too tired to do anything now
haha here's a marching song my seargent taught us
I asked my girl
to take a walk
to take a walk
down Orchard road
Passed by Mandarin
to Centrepoint
We had our lunch
at Macdonalds
We had fillet
and apple pie
We shared a cup
of lemon lime
Holding her hands
look into her eyes
i asked my girl
to be my Valentine
There was one night
there was no light
there was no light
so we used torchlight
Holding her hands
look into her eyes
I asked my girl
to be my future wife
There's actually more verses and it gets damn funny (and quite crude) from there but i can't remember haha damn. Ok well too tired so i'll continue. G'nite folks!
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
This is it...the last night before a new beginning. It might not seem like a big deal and all, but seriously you'd have to go through it to understand. Sure i won't be away for long, nor will i disappear from the face of this earth, but to stay on an island away from everyone you know for the sole purpose of undergoing hardship and pain, without help, practically on your own, it will really be mentally taxing, and incomparable to any sort of training i've been through. This whole experience will present new opportunities, and after the last 2 years which i have practically wasted in jc, it having been the biggest regret in my life for not having done it the way i would have liked to, NS is something i really must capitalize on to the fullest extent. I will give my all if possible and i will not let myself down again. It means something to me, a new beginning, and i guess if you're going to be indifferent about me, or anyone else for that matter who is leaving and all, well then you probably don't know jack about me.
To all i know who read this, (it'd be kinda weird to list one by one), thanks for hanging around and hope to see some of you guys around at least. To those i don't know who read this, it'd be nice if you leave a comment, criticism or whatever, really. I'd appreciate it :).
Hey Noel take care man hope to see you around soon when i come out. And you'd better prepare for April! Sarah thanks for the messages and remember to keep Pehon company while he's in camp! Mari take care and get a better job, i'll miss you sis heh.
Ok wish i knew what else to say, but what the hey, good luck with whatever you're doing people.
Tuesday, January 21, 2003
Suddenly i'm overwhelmed by all the things i would like to do before i go in. Then again, maybe i'm just gonna watch tv while i'm still able to.
Dropped by rj to return a book to someone today. I find that i really don't miss the place much. But i do miss some of my nice teachers, and looking at pretty ladies in the canteen during breaks with my class guys hahah :P. But thats about it. Seeing the new batch and everything, i'm glad i'm out of that jc. On the other hand, every day i take the bus to training and it passes by ACS(I), i find myself missing almost everything about that school. Its impossible to describe everything but those really were the days.
Last session of physio today, i realize that all along the trainer i got for all the previous sessions before this last one was really good. Although he kept putting me down and telling me over and over again how to do it, he really made it do it properly and everything. This guy was really laid back and nice but i found myself not able to complete the strengthening exercises satisfactorily. Hopefully the back holds in camp.
Second last swim session. A pity because i've almost begun to get it all back. And now i'm going to lose it all again when i enter camp. Won't get to use a pool there i think. Oh well. I'll miss training with my swim mates.
Gotta pack everything in tomorrow. Amazing how little things were required on the list but how many things i've bought to bring in. Hah. Smuggling Pringles and Chewy Bars in, not like they'll last very long argh.
For the first time i'll be able to see what i look like with a shaved head tomorrow.
Head banging to : Bolt Thrower - No Guts, No Glory
Sunday, January 19, 2003
A run to clear the mind. Didn't train today so no swimming.
Three reasons why my neighbourhood is such a good running route.
1) Its surrounded by jungle, everywhere you run there's twigs and branches and roots to avoid. Good obstacle course.
2) There are LOTS of stray dogs. I gotta conserve my energy when i reach that stretch of pavement because if they happen to give chase, lets just say my friend sprinting on his bicycle had trouble outpacing them for a while.
3) Its pretty quiet and cooling
I argued/talked things out...and i really don't know what to believe or think. Whether to accept it or reject. In the end, who am i to decide. Ultimately i end up falling for the same thing over and over again. But i guess it did help to clear things up. I just really really hope she sticks to her word this time.
Regret having left the party so soon. The last night i could hang out with friends and there were so so many other people i recognized and said hi to it was fun until that fucked up thing happened and i left early. Walked from Centro to Orchard with some people who did gave enough of a damn to come down to town and walk me all the way there in the rain. =). But still, wish i had been able to talk and hang out with friends at the place just for that night. That would satisfy me sufficiently to carry me through the initial period of enlistment.
Speaking of enlistment, finally bought all the "necessary" items. They say they'll provide everything from razors to soap but somehow i doubt it. Got a call recently to swim for MINDEF in March. I probably won't be able to swim in tekong anyway so i don't know if i'd be able to swim then hah.
Well. Good night folks.
Lullaby : Entwined - New Dawn
Saturday, January 18, 2003
Uncanny how when things start to seem to look up for a while they suddenly plunge towards inconceivable new depths.
Thursday, January 16, 2003
what am i worth to you?
I ponder over that from time to time, and even more so now when time has become more expendable in a sense and yet should be held precious. I find myself anticipating enlistment with mixed emotion. Somewhat like what entering JC was. A certain sense of excitement at the prospect of experiencing something new, and yet longing for that which has passed.
Is it too much to ask for a small portion of your time? Is it that difficult to see how much i would like to see some people before undergoing another transitional stage in my life? Am i being too demanding? Overly sensitive? Or maybe i'm just not worth your time. It may not seem like i will be gone for long to someone, but it might seem an eternity for me.
All those plans after A levels, most importantly of all to catch up with people i have not seem for such a long time. All have failed. Is it such a trivial thing to bitch about? Its a bit too late now, i have just lost alot of hope with people i thought i once knew. Its amazing how incredibly difficult it is to weave a bond of friendship, and yet how easily it can snap in an instant. Why do i always feel like i'm the one who has to put in the effort? So many times i have felt that my actions go by without being reciprocated, so many times i have felt weary and beaten by it all. Why do i bother? Is it that difficult to face things alone? Hell, of course i know it is. Maybe i spend too much time swimming to have spent more time with friends in the past. Maybe its because my parents weren't so liberal a while ago. Maybe i expect too much from people who couldn't care less. Maybe maybe maybe......
Sometimes i realize i'm more alone than i could ever believe. Perhaps i bring it upon myself.
This entry is directed to no one person in particular. Just another rant.
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
Collected my new pair of specs today and i'm convinced that its no matter what kind of specs i wear i will still look as horrible. I've worn it all - plastic, metal, rimless...haha oh well.
Went for training after that. Managed to keep the rythmn there hopefully i'd be able to maintain it. Gonna have a last physio session next tues, i fear once i stop going and i enter NS the back problems will arise again. Hopefully the lower back area is strong enough now cos it's never been better. Friggin pulled a muscle today i think, kicking breastroke and i could feel the pain around my inner thigh. Ah feels pretty bad but hopefully it'll recover by tomorrow.
9 more days and counting down. Got quite a number of things to clear. I still have not managed to completely overcome the horrific mess in my room. I wish the picture i took of my room before prom had developed. Its a mind boggling mess really. You couldn't even see the mattress sheet. I don't sleep in my room because of that very fact, that my bed is completely covered with stuff. I have to sleep on my mattress on a floor instead heh. Gotta return some things and buy other required items for camp. Don't know if i can get it done in time argh.
Recently the number of cars from the Bukit Batok driving centre near my home has increased. Everytime my dad drives home, without fail there'll be some joker with the 'L' plate driving slower than i can walk, with his left signal light on even though he has no intention of switching lanes or making a turn. I think the people driving seriously are either drunk under the influence, or the driving instructor sitting beside them knows less about teaching someone to drive than i do. The damned driving centre treats the entire section of roads in my neighbourhood like its own personal go-kart track or something. If you live around the area you will know just how irritating it is. So to all those people going for lessons there, please, you're not playing Need for Speed on your playstation anymore.
Monday, January 13, 2003
Tired now.
day in brief :
- wake up
- kallang for physio
- supposed to meet helmi, but got played out. noel couldn't make it (i don't blame you noel!)
- mari nice enough to come to town and help me look for a shirt
- couldn't find a friggin shirt
- home, sleep
ok anyone here know places where i could possibly find DECENT shirts for guys. i saw this nice white shirt at taka at zara but they didn't have size. the only stock they had were the shirts on the racks! i mean what logic is that, yeesh. please do recommend heh.
Saturday, January 11, 2003
Morning training today was the best session i've had since i started training after As again. Haven't felt so good in the water for a long time, i could feel every single stroke much more clearly without losing form and i didn't tire out so quickly. Finally managed to cut to a 32+ for a 50m. Was kinda surprised at the time but then again i expected it to have come earlier but i guess i haven't been training consistently or as often as the rest of them.
Just to note down :
800m warm up
400m stroke drill
400m IM stroke drill
8 x 100m pacework
6 x 50m AT pace
4 x 50 1st, 3rd 50 first 15m and last 10m sprint, 2nd and 4th 50m sprint
300m kick
8 x 50m kick 1st, 3rd 50 first 15m and last 10m sprint, 2nd and 4th 50m sprint
400m pull
8 x 50m pull 1st, 3rd 50 first 15m and last 10m sprint, 2nd and 4th 50m sprint
200m warm down
4.6K session
Sigh ok i'm pathetic. I'm going for a run later even if it kills me. I'm just not good enough yet. I just hope i didn't jinx myself again by saying that haha.
After training went to get my pair of specs repaired and i decided to get a new pair because the rimless ones get damaged easily. Somehow everytime i decide on a pair it turns out horrendous when i finally go to collect it. And i got a blue framed pair because they didn't have it in black. Why will i forever be enslaved to the shackles of spectacles?!
I don't care much for most of the songs they play on the radio nowadays but i just heard this song by t.a.t.u and i think its really good. Makes me feel like running in the rain like in the music video haha. Go listen to it, or maybe its already been played a million times over on the radio. Come to think of it i haven't been listening to the radio in eons.
Time to sleep...
Lullaby - t.a.t.u - All the things she said
Friday, January 10, 2003
Just a couple of photos taken at the class chalet. The quality isn't too good, cos i dunno whats with the flash heh. You gotta click on the 400 x 300 to see the full sized image.
Thursday, January 09, 2003
I have to stop losing focus. Everytime i deviate from it i get no where. Just 3 days of not training and it was enough to make me suffer when i came back. All that time spent...the greater part of my holidays and breaks, and it will all amount to nothing if i keep breaking off to do something else.
I've got to tie up a couple of loose ends before i enlist or it'll just be another two years of hell to pile up onto the previous two.
1. Don't stop swimming
2. Get a friggin appointment at the Skin Centre soon
3. Do something about the SATs on 25th
Supposed to go out with the guys today but i had to give it a pass. Training at 5. Training. Training. There's only 24 hours a day.
Hopefully i'd be able to go out on Sat. But i've gotta make that appointment. Time. Time. Timeeee
I need my discman Sarah! :P
Tuesday, January 07, 2003
Class chalet was pretty good. Boon Kiat got this place at Pasir Ris, which was really awesome we had an entire terrace to ourselves and the place was really huge, jus outside was a pool and all the other facilities to use. A pretty good number of class people came and we just had the usual dinner of steamboat and everything and we ended up bumming alot, playing PS blah. Only the guys stayed over though and we couldn't really think of stuff to do so we walked around the area. At one junction apparently towards the left there's supposed to be a haunted house and all, not that i believe :P. But it was really eerie at night and there were like a million frogs croaking and echoing into the night. The stars were really nice though and the sky was clear but we were all just too tired from the whole day so i knocked off at around 3 plus or something.
Haha ok i'm still tired and i'm going to train later so its time for a nap
Monday, January 06, 2003
aaaaaaaaaaarhrghhhhhhh stop messing with my headddddddddd
just when you think you've purged something which has been plaguing your mind, the embers of that burning thought always seem to be rekindled by the same person who sparked it in the first place. why is it always the case; repeating itself time and time again?
am i the one to blame? why do i always have to pry deeper beyond the veneer of everything? why can't i just be satisfied with transient, fleeting, moments of happiness and get on with it? maybe it was because she totally took my mind off someone else previously, yet the bitter irony that she does the same unto me only makes me laugh at my own foolishness. maybe this vicious cycle is just meant to last, and i will fall prey to it endlessly...
It doesn't matter what you've done
In my words you are a sinner
For every word you say to me
In every way, you are a sinner
Iced Earth -- Burning Times
Sunday, January 05, 2003
Spent the day crawling about the house...i'm still partially crippled and blinded. Decided not to go for morning training after all, i woke up to my dad asking me if i wanted to go, i tried to get up but i could barely even sit up and then i just said forget it and went back to sleep. Slept from 2-6 in the afternoon as well. Ok sheesh today really was quite pathetic...
Ok anyway added two guy's sites on the left. Forbidden Park is set up by Izam and Trippy Factory by Jase. Check them out for updates and stuff. Just doing my part to propagate the seed of metal heh. Some local bands kick ass.
Latest update : IMPIETY : Kaos Kommand 696 ALBUM LAUNCH Jamz the studio : 01 Mar 3-10pm
Saturday, January 04, 2003
What a crazy crazy day. I'm too exhausted to go through everything.
After going for morning training, i got home, changed and went to RJ to play floorball with hockey people and some others. But i got there early and i met some of the ri guys and we played a bit of basketball.
Disaster No. 1
Songting accidentally passed the ball to me when i wasn't aware of it and it hit the side of my head. That didn't matter, but my spectacles were completely smashed on the left side. The frame was twisted and the lens itself had shattered into two pieces, thus rendering me almost completely lost in a sea of myopia for the rest of the day.
Well the good thing was i could see enough of what was happening around me to play floorball, and the bad thing was that i couldn't recognize a single person standing barely 5m in front of me. Worst still there were people i just got to know calling my names and i had no idea who they were, so hopefully when they see me around elsewhere sometime else they won't think i'm being dao or something heh.
Disaster No. 2
I was just so hell bent on playing floorball i didn't realize how incredibly tired i had become. I started cramping up everywhere and i seriously couldn't move my legs or back much. The trip home was utter hell, i felt for the first time that i might actually collapse or something on the train and walking home. I initially didn't intend to stay too long playing floorball because i was supposed to meet someone but he canceled out on me on the last minute and i was really quite pissed, so i was just like ok whatever and i continued to play. I really really just cannot take it when people make promises that they don't intend to keep at all. They should just let me know from the damned beginning instead of saying "oh if you need company just give me a call k". Geez. Played out twice in practically a day. Amazing. Just the night before i had msged a person something to which i got absolutely no reply from. I just don't understand what i did, it just left me pondering what the hell i did wrong and i was just really hurt by it. Nowadays, i just can't be bothered to just tell people straight what i think because it just brings about more complications. I'd rather just suffer quietly on my own and avoid further misunderstanding.
1st good thing
Songting actually paid to repair my spectacles and it could be repaired. Going to collect it on Thursday i hope it can be done. Not many people would have offered to do it. Most of the time they'd just say "hey sorry man, i'd pay for a new one ok?" but its all just complete bullshit and they just disappear after and you don't want to go pester them about the matter because he'd probably think you're being a bad friend. But Songting actually kept true to his word, unlike a few others beforehand. We went to Ghim Moh to get it done and he paid for it, to which i am completely grateful for, because my dad would have had my head if he knew. I said thank you many times to him but if he ever reads this then all the better. The downside was that i realized that i am destined to wear spectacles unless i can go for laser surgery or something because initially the lady sold me a pair of contacts but no matter how hard i tried i just could not put the %$@#^#$ thing on because i couldn't seem to be able to pull my eyelids apart wide enough because my eyes are rather small and because of that the lens wouldn't fit properly and the slightest irritation to the eyelid caused me to blink alot. AAAAHH what i would give to be rid of spectacles lol.
2nd good thing
The sight of home. I can't remember when was the last time i felt so happy to step back into the hallowed grounds of my house. Perhaps i won't leave it for sometime after such a day. I'm still a little disorientated and maybe no one would be able to make out this entry but ahhh heck already heh my bed is calling, excuse me while i pass out and loss conciousness on it.
Thursday, January 02, 2003
I guess with the new year...i should resolve to do things...but somehow things always change throughout the course of the year and its impossible to be so rigid and stick to certain things you've planned to do, after all who can expect whats going to happen in the year ahead. I just hope i get new chances...and that i will take whatever comes by and make something out of it...and not regret anything i do. JC was not a very good experience for me and its probably the biggest regret in my life. You know those questions people sometimes ask...like "if you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?". I never had anything i would have liked to change but now i do. But whats done is done and just hopefully i will be able to start anew.
I just want to forget all the bad things that have happened before. I've almost completely gotten her outta my mind as well. I guess i was just too blinded by things to realize that she isn't the only girl in the world. Ok that sounds really stupid now when i think about it but maybe i'm just too foolish...why do i always fall so easily, and make it so hard for myself to get out. Ironically, it took another person to make me realize that she's just not worth it. Its just a maelstrom of thoughts going on in my head. AAargghhh...maybe i'm just not good enough for anyone. I don't wallow in self-pity, but sometimes i'm just convinced that it is a fact.
Sleep...
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