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Solace of the Shadows
Monday, March 31, 2003
Back from camp once more and the final time before collecting posting. Had to book in again to complete my 24 click march. We had to do it in the day unlike how the original route march was carried out. The heat weighed on our backs like a huge sandbag. At the end of it i wasn't exactly tired but my feet are blistered all over and it made marching difficult. If you were to see me around now quite a number of my toes are in plasters because a few of my toenails are on the verge of dropping off. To make matters worse, we had to march around the same coastal route like 11 times unlike the original march which followed a continuously changing route. After like 3 rounds around the same route i got friggin bored seeing the same old things again. Just glad the whole thing is over and done with and finally block leave begins.
During this short break i plan to :
1) Sleep. I have picked up more injuries in the span of these 3 months than i ever have in my entire life. I could probably sleep all week, wake up on saturday, and still not be able to catch up on all the sleep i've missed.
Actually that's more or less what i have planned. Other than trying to catch up with people. But apparently the SARs paranoia has gripped everyone with such fear that its become the number one reason to stay home. Or possibly just to give an excuse not to go out. Maybe i've been isolated from mainland too long but is everyone getting too paranoid here? They don't even know if the virus is airborne yet do they? So that means the only way you can get this flu is if somebody infected sneezes right in front of you. Hmm. Dunno.
Being in camp for so long away from everyone else, i think alot of people in there realize that there are two kinds of friends one can distinguish. 1) the ones that give enough a damn about you to keep in contact with you in camp, and 2) the ones that don't give a rats ass anymore. Sometimes you just have alot of time to think about it in camp and i wonder why i put up with it. So many people i've known, and only a few bother. I think no one knows how much someone else would mean to them, until they're isolated away from everyone else. There are those that never bother to take the initiative first and drop a message or whatever, it's always the one who needs the company the most that has to beg for it. Maybe it doesn't make sense just babbling it all out, but after such a short span of time, it's become easy to discard these acquaintances now, even though i've known some of them for so long. Its funny that in the end friendship truly is that transient and ephemeral, no matter how much sometimes we want it to last. So to all those i can think of, fuck off and goodbye is all i can say...everyone dwells in their own selfish desires...including me.
Thursday, March 27, 2003
Hard to believe its finally here. Passing out. I never thought i'd say this but the whole thing was pretty damn good so far. Definitely going to miss my platoon. Waking up at 5 and stumbling along the corridor towards the restroom to brush my teeth. Falling in downstairs still half asleep waiting for the day to begin. Field camp. Range. So many things seem so hard to remember all of a sudden. Maybe i'm crazy to say it but i enjoyed the greater part of it.
We had to do our 24km route march on wed evening before the passing our parade on thursday. I missed the previous 16km route march because i had to book out and swim so this time around they wouldn't let me march 24km without marching the 16km first. So this meant while everyone else marched 24 click i had to march 16 only. It sucked bad. At first my seargent said i could march 40 at a go and i didn't think he was kidding at first. I wouldn't have minded one bit. Now i gotta come back on sunday during my block leave to complete the 24. The whole school set off for the march at around 9pm or so and we marched through the night and morning for around 8 hours until we finally reached our bunks at around 5am. Marching itself isn't tiring but what it does to your feet is bloody painful haha. Maybe i should've taken up my friends advice and worn two layers of socks but i didn't have that many to spare that night. With two toenails already out it didn't help much either. Along some areas we marched it was completely pitch black and all we could see was the glowsticks the instructors were carrying. Everything surrounding us was jungle. Marching in tekong is fun because you don't have much urban surrounding and its pretty eerie at times (so shoot me) looking into the vegetation trying to spot something out of the ordinary. But i didn't see anything. The stars were pretty incredible that night too, it was just one sparkling blanket in the sky.
The passing out parade was pretty dumb but it was just an excuse to take alot of pictures. Hopefully i'd be able to get it from ben soon. My parents didn't come so i put on my own jockey cap haha which was good because i told them it'd be a waste of time to come and watch and it was. It was really pretty depressing to bid farewell to my platoon mates and my instructors (ok so it sounds cheesy, shoot me again) and the whole thing about bmt being the best part of army i think will be true. If there's anyone reading this who's enlisting soon and ends up at Taurus company, Leftanen Hanafi is the best PC you can get there! NS itself seems like a break from normal life and i'd much rather be doing NS now than going to university (if thats possible), because right now i'm so sick of studying and the norm of school that NS is just one big getaway. JC was just one bad part of my life i don't really want to remember. Am i a freak or what? Maybe its naive of me to say this now and maybe i'll change my perception further along the way because there's still pretty much a long way to go, but i'll stick by it for now. Right now, i don't really want to know whats going to happen next.
Saturday, March 22, 2003
This week's probably felt like one of the longest weeks ever. Slept like a rock when i got home. Pretty packed week so here's a recall :
Monday
Went to the hand grenade range for our hand grenade throw. Pretty fun stuff although the grenades we threw weren't really that powerful because they were probably afraid we'd blow the instructors heads off and stuff. Its hard to imagine lots of soldiers throwing their grenades in a war because one grenade by itself is incredibly loud and even from like more than 100m away you can feel the shockwave of the explosion rattling your body. Damn cheap thrill to throw it though. Hitting the target is pretty hard because everything happens in a flash and before you know it the platoon commander is shoving your head behind the grenade bay wall and you can't see where it landed. One of the recruits who threw the grenade didn't grab tightly onto the safety lever which controls the fuse mechanism and he almost blew himself and the commander up if he had taken his time to throw the grenade. I think he got majorly screwed for that. Funny thing is his commander happened to be the guy who keeps having disastrous things happen to him, e.g. being struck by lightning after almost being blown away by a similar grenade incident.
Tuesday
CO evening. Nothing much to elaborate. Basically it was supposed to be a night for all the recruits to sit back and enjoy an entertaining performance planned out for us. Basically i ended up eating the stuff they gave then sleeping through the majority of the show.
Wednesday
Games Day. I don't know what games means to them but they obviously must think we're still a bunch of kids or something (maybe we are) because we played quite a number of mindless games. I had to take part in this game where 6 people would carry a log around 8m in length across the breadth of a soccer field while 9 others would clear some measly obstacles and in the end all of us would erect the log and help to keep it stable while our seargent would attempt to climb the log. Well everything went smoothly and we were the first to erect it until the seargent couldn't climb more than a metre up the log and it was a waste of time.
A more interesting thing that happened on that day was when one of the seargents from another company was wearing his mascot's outfit, which was a cardboard box with the jack daniel's logo on the front to symbolize Whiskey company, almost killed one of our recruits who was the mascot. It started when he was walking around merrily saying "drink whiskey good!" when our dumbass mascot went to instigate him by flicking his box flaps which of course pissed the seargent off. He came over to talk to the fella who started running away trying to avoid him when the seargent wanted to pull off his costume. Then everyone from our company and from a neighbouring company surrounded the seargent and held him back. Chaos soon ensued when some fools destroyed the damn nice Whiskey costume by ripping the sides of it while the seargent was STILL WEARING IT. Oh man was he pissed haha. He stood there and looked at his costume before slowly taking it off. Then he took a deep breath before suddenly he lunged at our stupid mascot and knocked him to the ground. After that i couldn't see what happened but i think 2 of our seargents pried the two mascots apart and things apparently cooled down. But well the Whiskey seargent went off and he came back with one of the seargents from Orion (which is a company full of bengs and other nuts) who wanted to fight with the fella who tore the costume. More arguing ensued before the Chief Officer finally stepped in to sort things out. The Orion seargent came over with like a few guys tattooed all over and stuff. It was a riot haha. During this whole period i consumed like 4 cans of H20 watching the event. What the heck man we don't have TV so this was as good as it got.
Thursday
Nothing much except that we had our standard obstacle trial test. I love doing the SOC. Fun stuff. Its like a playground with 11 obstacles. Start off with a low wall, then parallel bars, jump off a beam with barb wire on the other side, followed by monkey bars, climb a low rope, jump over an elevated log, go up a high balancing beam, climb over the suicide gate, go up a series of steps shaped in the form of a pyramid and finally jump off a low ramp. I think i missed one i forgot. The killer part is the run before and after the obstacles. You have to run with your rifle, helmet and webbing which if you watch the news is the series of pockets around the waist of the soldiers carrying two waterbottles and other stuff in the other pockets. Still have one more test to go. Can't wait haha.
Well that's about the bulk of it. Saturday we had our parade rehearsals in the glaring sun. I think the general part of my skin got fried yesterday. Marching and standing still in the hot sun is no easy thing. Specially with the damn full field pack on. The crazy regimental seargent major made one of the companies who didn't march properly run around the friggin parade square in full battle order. The perimeter of the square is probably around 500m or more. I have already lost two of my toenails. For some reason they just dropped off. Must be the damned combat boots.
Gotta get some sleep before booking in later. Take care folks. 4 more days to P.O.P!
Saturday, March 15, 2003
Been a really crazy past few days. The week never really started until around thursday. I remember waking up around 12 with sharp pains in my stomach which kept coming and going and i couldn't get any sleep at all. All of it ensued until i got out of bed and went to the toilet in the darkness and i just vomitted practically everything i had eaten the night before. Before i knew it everyone had to wake up and fall in and it was raining on that day, aptly so. 4 other guys had gotten the same case as me. Supposed food poisoning but honestly i had never felt that much pain in a very very long time. All of us were just writhing around on the bench the seargents told us to sit on to wait and see the medical officer. The most fucked up thing about it was they didn't give a damn about allowing us to rest in our bunks or whatever first and instead most of them just ignored all the pleas they were asking. That really pissed me off big time that morning. The whole thing was really stupid. After waiting in pain for so long they finally brought us to see the damn medical officer who wasn't much help, he just prescribed me some charcoal and some other medicine to help the vomitting. Before that we had to go through the whole arduous process of waiting to see his damn face by queueing up for ages. That pissed me off even more. So we went back to the bunks after that. By the time we got back, the rest of the company had to fall in for lunch. So we had to tag along although i hadn't even bothered to eat breakfast because my appetite was non-existent for that day. The thing that pissed me off the most after that was the fact that we had to MARCH behind them, i was practically bending over most of the time trying to march because of the damn pain in my stomach and the platoon seargent kept telling me to march properly. So tempted was i to turn around and use my fist to break every teeth in his jaw.
Thank goodness for my platoon commander who's the nicest guy i know there. He let me sleep in my bunks for the greater part of the rest of the day. But he told me i wouldn't be able to swim on the next day at the inter-unit because i was on attn B status.
Then they tried to get all the people on attn B status to do marshalling during the IPPT test, which meant we would have to stand at certain points on the route the rest would be running and tell them where to run. I could barely stand up at that point of time and they wanted me to marshall at first. But all of a sudden i could see my OC walking into company line and we was telling some of the seargents stuff which i couldn't really hear, i dunno if what he said was something about me but after that one of my seargents told me that i wouldn't be marshalling and i could go up and sleep. I only realized that after i had informed my team manager that i was told i couldn't swim, he had called and asked some major and half-colonel to grant me off and allow me to go home and they had called my OC to grant me permission. Damn it felt good to book out after that.
Friday had to swim for mindef in the morning still with the damn stomach flu or whatever, but it just felt good to be able to come out and swim. Haven't seen so many colonels and majors in one shot and i talked to the two who had managed to get me to book out and they seemed pretty nice. But i still had to book back into camp after that because i was still on B status which didn't make sense because i wouldn't be booking out AGAIN on friday night with the rest of them. So get this, i booked out on thursday night, booked in again at 4.30pm on friday and i'd book out again on 9.30pm on friday. Dumbasses. I ended up having to load the tonner (the big truck they use to carry loads) and bring food to the rest of the guys who were doing their 16km route march. Seeing them i wish i were fit and able to join them because it would suck having to do my route march with people i didn't know. Pretty crazy too, at the last part they started to run with full battle order for more than 1km or so from the 300m range.
Saturday...we went to SAFTI military institute for the officer cadet school visit. The place is huge with all its grandness and splendour, and its like in boon lay which is like 10000 times closer than tekong. They tried to brainwash us with propaganda after that at the singapore discovery centre which is just beside it so the next time anyone is bored enough to go there go check out the iWERKs theatre thing and watch the short film On Guard! which is pretty interesting admittedly so but its super propaganda, they showed all the prestige and pride of being in the army with tear jerkers and all compacted into it.
Had to rush down to toa payoh for the swim meet after that. Haven't been to a proper swim meet in ages and it felt really weird to see all the swimmers again. Nevertheless it felt really good to be able to take part. Swimming in the open age group is madness. I really thought Kenneth would be able to do 29 for 50m breast and break the national record but he didn't so oh well. Hope he does.
Well thats about it for the past few days. Gotta friggin apply for Uni and i still have no idea what i'm doing so yeah heck just have to do it i guess...
Later folks....
Saturday, March 08, 2003
SHADEGROWN
I have dwelled in the dark
so long that I have become the night
Here only the chilling Northwind
can give warmth to my life
There comes the morning light and brings the pain
...slashing my heart
It goes by slowly and makes the pain last forever
...it tears me apart
I'm drowning in this light
I'm dying, it's so bright
I have lived in the shades
- Make the Glow go away
Come cast your shadow over me
and I'll cast mine all over thee
Take me away, into the shades
where there is no light of day
(to harm my way)
Come with me and we'll flee from this world
across the nightly sky
Believe me, you'll be free
as we take our ride on the darkside
I'm drowning in this light
I'm dying, it's so bright
I have lived in the shades
- Make the Glow go away
Come cast your shadow over me
and I'll cast mine all over thee
Take me away, into the shades
where there is no light of day
Come cast your shadow over me
I'll give you immortality
Let's walk away, into the shades
where there is no light of day
To Harm Our Way
---Sentenced
(thanks for the comments sarah..serena..i'm over it..but more importantly i've got to find a way out of it now..)
Thursday, March 06, 2003
There's nothing else i regret more...
So where do i go from here?
Daddy please forgive me, i have let you down
I think i'll just disappear now
Sunday, March 02, 2003
One heck of a tiring week it's been.
Had to go back outfield again for the situational test where all of us would be split up randomly into groups and we'd be given "missions" to complete. The whole point of the test was supposedly to identify the "leadership potential" in those who would want to become future commanders. To me it was just one whole pretentious act on the part of most of the people in my group. In each mission two people would be appointed section commander and a second-in-charge and they'd be expected to do most of the command giving. But of course you'd have those dumbasses who'd try to steal the limelight by acting all bigshot and ordering people around without doing anything themselves. Bloody irritating too. Fortunately for the two missions i was given the role of sect comm and 2 IC i managed to complete the mission without having too many people poke their noses in. On the other hand a few of them did give some reasonable ideas on how to complete the mission. For one of my missions we'd have to transport an injured victim on a stretcher from one "cliff" to the next. The simulated cliff was actually quite a high elevated platform like a bridge with a gap in between. After we had made the makeshift ladder i tried to get up on the platform first. Scary shit man, i almost fell from the damned thing like 5m or so up trying to get onto the platform so i could hold it for the rest of them. Then came the task of bringing the victim across the two "cliffs". Again i had to be garang and try crossing the two platforms by using the ladder held horizontally. Even with the lousy safety harness i almost fell off the damned thing again. Would've broken some part of my body undoubtedly.
It was a friggin tiring 3 days. Within each group of people they'd be given specific roles like signaller, navigator, demolition, claymore, medic and LAW (light anti tank weapon). A word of advice, DON'T BECOME A LAW. I don't know what possessed me but i decided to choose LAW and i ended up carrying the damn thing along with my rifle walking from one checkpoint to the next. Lets see, the bazooka is like friggin 6.8kg and the rifle is 3.8 excluding wearing the helmet and webbing. Made for some hellish walking in the sun. At night i had to sleep with it like some bolster so it wouldn't get stolen by one of the seargents. Imagine wrapping yourself around a rifle and bazooka at night. To make things worse, after my share of carrying it for 1 and a half days i passed it on to the other fella in my group who was assigned to carry it and the dumbass got it stolen by the platoon seargent because he left it unattended on the ground. To make matters worse i had to take the blame for not looking out for the blur fool for not taking care of it HIMSELF. Wtf man, what am i supposed to do? Look after you carrying the weapon and do my own tasks simulataneously? How many eyes do you think i have? The moron almost got me confined because of that but luckily i was let off.
An example of the people who can talk alot but do nothing :
Seargent Major to some recruits helping to lift a heavy basket of equipment into the tunnel vehicle : "Got 5-6 of you standing around the basket staring at the fella trying to lift it. Cheebye you all using eye power to lift it issit? Help him lah!!"
The only good thing i remember about the sit test outfield was that at night the sky was incredibly clear and you could see alot of stars when you looked up into the night sky from an open grassy patch. Then you'd wonder how the hell you came to be here...gazing up into the sky in the middle of a desolate island like a speck of dirt in this world. Maybe i can't describe it well, but standing there at that point of time with all my section mates looking at the stars (while we were going to take a piss) was really quite beautiful.
You never appreciate civilization and all its novelties until you come back from outfield. The sight of buildings and roads and forks and spoons and decent cooked food is enough to send anyone reeling. I realize that since the start of NS til now, i've been waking up progressively later and later. On the first week or so we'd have to fall in at 545 and i'd be waking up at around 430, but now i find myself waking up at 520 and still falling in on time at 545. Can't believe i was so sotong and eager to wake up at such an unearthly hour.
Got a 5 day book out period because i gotta swim for MINDEF at some inter unit swimming meet. Haven't swum in ages and it felt damn good to get into the pool this morning after such a long time. Hopefully i'd still be able to swim come the actually meet starting tomorrow ugh. I'd be missing my live shooting at the 100m range because of that. Hopefully i'd be able to attach with another company when i come back but as of late my luck hasn't really been that good. Already had my individual marksmanship training at a simulated range like some arcade game only this was a thousand times better than any arcade game out there heh. I screwed up a bit because my stupid rifle kept getting jammed and i couldn't get the marksman title doh. Oh well.
Went to watch daredevil with Sammi yesterday, was nice to go out after so long and just having someone to talk to was enough for me. Sometimes i wish things could last longer than they actually do...
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