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Solace of the Shadows
Saturday, May 31, 2003
Sometimes even when you've known someone for such a long time...you end up feeling as if you know the person less now than you did when you first met that person. And despite all the time spent getting to know that person, you feel even more detached from and unaware of how that person is now. I hate that feeling. Makes me wonder why i bother trying to get to understand her to begin with. What makes it ironic is how much time was spent talking and it felt good to talk in the past but now its become somewhat more of a formality. It's been a series of periods of silence and speech and i can never tell what she is trying to say or think anymore, whether or not she wants to be a friend or a statue. Its honestly frustrating and fucked up to know a person so long, only for that good friendship to end in such a stupid and senseless fashion. Funny thing is i have a whole load of past emails from her which i still keep in my account and i cannot bear to delete. But now i can reconsider. Just can't tolerate it any longer.
Some people are just impossible to understand. Maybe its just me but who gives a damn. Not any more.
Friday, May 30, 2003
No matter how many times i watch it, Edward Scissorhands is one of the saddest and sweetest movies i've seen...not many movies can have that kind of effect on people nowadays.
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
Sheer boredom and the lack of mobility has caused me to assume an almost permanent position on my couch, with the remote by my side. Channel surfing has led me to find certain programs which i'd not normally watch but am watching now due to my boredom. Like on National Geo, there's this program called "Insects from Hell" which is pretty interesting. I live next to a jungle with a mainroad seperating my block of flats and the jungle and insects are very happy, frequent visitors to my home. Wasps and bees sometimes fly in and out of my room as if i were in some safari or something; halfway while typing something out i'd hear a distinct buzzing sound and i'd run out of the room asap in the past. But strangely enough, maybe because of field camp or the other i'm not too bothered by such cases anymore. In the past i'd marvel at how resilient my parents were when it came to getting rid of insects and the like from the house. My mom would go right up to one of the closed windows where the wasp was at and open it and sweep it out without fear of getting stung and i used to wonder if i grew up and i had kids would i be able to do the same?
Anyway the show featured all the insects which had been introduced into a foreign country because of illegal exports and all and it seems if i were to have lived in any other part of the world i'd be in a tenfold worse situation. The crap that they experience in like Britain or America for example is horrible. The cockcroaches and scorpions are rampant like ants. Imagine waking up one morning to find a humongous spider on the ceiling. Got quite used to it in Police camp though because behind the barracks is some sort of wild garden and once i left my boots in the toilet overnight because it was muddy and the next morning i picked it up without realizing that a spider had spun a web and had gotten entangled in its own web, trapped to my boots overnight. I didn't realize until i was about to wash it and unlike my usual past reaction i didn't fling it away instinctively but instead showed it grinning to myself to my squadmate who slapped the boots from my hand and away from him, allowing the spider to escape. It was a pretty big one too.
Ok sheesh am i really that bored?
Yes.
Sunday, May 18, 2003
I hate this feeling of helplessness. My mind keeps replaying what happened on Friday. When i think about it now, it seems like an awfully stupid way to have gotten it. Playing soccer, of all things, running after the damned ball, and my squadmate rushing in to tackle me. I could feel his legs sliding beneath me and we were both moving so quick i didn't have control when i fell awkwardly. That was probably the worst part. My legs contacted the ground and i heard a loud crack like it was some tree branch i fell on top of. Who'd think bones could snap so easily like twigs eh? Then i couldn't move my left leg at all. It sure as hell hurt. Why didn't i jump when he tackled me? Why did i have to land in such an awkward manner? Of all times for this to happen, why now?
I had to lie down until the ambulance came into camp and brought me to SGH where i had to wait 2 friggin hours before i could see a doctor who brought me to take an X-ray which showed that i fractured my leg in 2 areas on two different bones near the shin. Seeing it on X-ray was kinda unreal, seeing an image of your own cracked damaged bone on the screen. The doctor said i'd be in a temporary cast til Thurs when i'd have to go back and he'd see if i needed surgery to put the bones in place.
In the past whenever i'd see someone in a cast walking in crutches i didn't think it was that big of a deal until i suffer the experience for myself. The fractures i sustained were pretty bad, making the slightest movement painful. To make matters worse, the cast is bloody heavy and walking on crutches for a few minutes is painstaking. I can't even sleep or sit down in peace without feeling a numbing pain. Simple things can't be done without momentous efforts. I can't change, brush my teeth, pee, or eat without a great deal of discomfort and agony. I'm just not used to it being like this and it sucks. I hate the feeling of being so helpless. I hope what the doc said was true, that i'd take about 6-8 weeks for it to recover somewhat. I don't think i could tolerate longer. I don't wanna out of course. All because of a stupid fucked up tackle? I'm never gonna play games which involve tackling again.
All i can do now is lie or sit down, eat painkillers, and try not to move about too much. Its sickening just wasting the while and waiting for time to pass. Don't i just have all the accursed luck? haha
Thursday, May 15, 2003
Couple of pictures taken in camp...kinda blurry and small so you gotta click on it to enlarge to full size. Ok back to camp
Saturday, May 10, 2003
Well its been a tiring week. We booked out on friday evening only to book in again on Saturday morning for NDP rehearsals. I don't really mind having rehearsals but when it burns the weekends away it becomes a pain in the ass. Soon the tailor would be coming to take measurements for the white tunic we'd be wearing on the day itself and probably when we commission as well but its still such a long way to go before the actual parade and we're already going to start going to the national stadium for rehearsals. Argh. More burnt weekends but its ok, can claim leave heh.
The more significant things i remember about the week gone by was the killer run (as usual) we had on wednesday. FI went sort of psycho and brought us on a super long run far from PA before we made a turn and went through the back of SICC and through Macritchie. It was practically a sprinting pace through Macritchie but it was damned fun to run through the dirt tracks and slipping and sliding on the stones together. Its probably all in preparation for this marathon thing we'd be taking part in sometime soon where we'd have to run from PA to queensway. Woohoo. Ah but no way is anyone going to be able to beat the Gurkhas. Those guys from Nepal are insane killer machines heh. I hope the pool opens soon. I miss swimming.
Met up with a few classmates yesterday night after rehearsals. It was nice to see a few of them after some time. I was the only NSPI among all the OCS people muahaha. But they sound like they're enjoying their time there as well so its good. Esplanade was friggin crowded last night, i figure all the typical Singaporeans couldn't take cooping themselves up at home from SARS anymore and decided to pop their heads out once more.
I was at a fast food outlet the other day and i just couldn't help noticing this young lady working there. She was mentally handicapped. And i dunno but she seemed the sort whom if she hadn't been so unfortunate, she would have turned out to be a perfectly fine person. The rest of the patrons didn't seem to be able to realize this, and most of them couldn't give a damn about her. She had some trouble clearing the trays and the tables so i threw away my rubbish myself. It may seem something trivial but it kind of reminded me just how insignificant all the wants and desires people have sometimes, and how they moan and bitch about their own petty problems and not being able to get this and that. Maybe everyone just needs to re-evaluate themselves once in a while and see just how fucked up they can get. I hope i never forget to do that.
Sunday, May 04, 2003
Can't believe i slept for like 6 hours. Slept around 11+ woke up at 6pm. Sheesh. Went swimming in the morning. Felt good but i got my ass kicked by most of my swim mates hah. No worries.
Town was really crowded yesterday. Didn't help that we got kept back in the barracks for a while doing nothing before we were finally let out and i rushed home to change and meet some of my BMT mates. Was nice to see some of them again. I was surrounded by a bunch of people in OCS and i was the only NSPI there haha. Listening to all their stories in camp and outfield i'm glad i wasn't posted there after all. Never could take much of the regimentation shit in the army. They have no sense of reason or logic sometimes. Maybe thats what makes it all the more interesting. Anyway all we did was play pool, walk around and watch Xmen2. Seems like not much but it was just very simply satisfying to do all that. By the way Xmen2 is a kickass show.
Ok so the highlights of the week. We did crowd control for some of the police cup rugby matches. It was pretty interesting because in the past when i'd go to rugby matches i'd watch the match from the spectator's point of view but now its the opposite end of the stick watching it as one of the police guys keeping the crowd back. I haven't seen some of my secondary school teachers for so long. I walked by my sec4 form teacher Miss Meyer and i wanted to say hi but i didn't. I wish i did, she was such a wonderful teacher. Ah well. Hopefully we'd be doing crowd control for the A div rugby matches too i wanna say hello to some people and some teachers heh.
We had our first live shoot using the revolver this week as well. We've already completed two frames. Shooting a revolver is much harder than using a rifle in my opinion. Its difficult to keep the hand steady even with the laser on its difficult to shoot and hit where your point. I got marksman for the first frame and failed the next. Geez. Kind of disheartening but i guess gotta do something about it the next frame. Range is always a thrill.
The best part of the week in camp was probably when we were woken up at 530am by our instructor to change and fall in. Then we began our run to the Esplanade from PA. We reached Esplanade area by around 630 or so i think and we just kept taking pictures haha it was probably a sight for any passerby around that early seeing 40 odd guys taking pictures like a bunch of crazy tourists. We went into Esplanade by the underground passage and obviously the front door was locked but the security guard unlocked the door to let us out and when we passed by i could hear him say "the police guys are leaving by the front door". Was damn funny to hear him say that. We passed by Centro and then took pictures beside the Merlion and like a few metres nearby there were a bunch of girls and couples lying on the stone railings so our instructor suggested we walked through the path and go up the stairs again and immediately all the people there sat upright embarrassed haha. There were 3 girls and one of them only upon closer inspection looked like a guy but was probably some butch. I don't wanna know what they were up to.
After the run we got back to the barracks and changed for our visit to the Ministry of Home affairs. Whoa thats one awesome building. Apparently only two of us in the squad will get postings there. It'd be a dream posting after commissioning but i'll take whatever comes. Its alot of office work but it'd be interesting and the friggin Commissioner of Police would be working somewhere nearby. Well we came back to the barracks and the rest of the day was just slacking around playing basketball. Watched Hot Chick in the officer's mess haha.
So that roughly concludes another week gone by. Its been a month? Nine more months to POP! Hah. Take care folks.
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