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Solace of the Shadows
Thursday, June 26, 2003
When i first thought about enlisting to do my National Service, the first things that came to my mind was the pain i'd have to endure, the regimentation, the training, the days spent away from home. Never did i ever imagine landing myself in the situation i'm in now. Because this is the total polar opposite of all my expectations. NSPI is truly THE legendary posting. Its so good its ridiculous.
Today was the most slack of all the days since i came back last Wed. The guys did morning PT (volleyball). Then after breakfast i dropped by from home and we went for lessons on Criminal Procedure Code with this pretty interesting ASP. His stories are always engaging and it beats the hell out of lectures in jc or whatever. So after lessons, lunch followed by the usual afternoon nap (Sleeping in the afternoon you say?! In camp?!). Following which, our instructor called for us to change into PT attire and we had recreational training. I couldn't join in obviously so i just went to the soccer field so watch them play (the same field i broke my leg at) until around 4 or so when i got bored and decided to go back to the barracks. That was essentially the end of the day. I left for home at 5pm. In between i was playing CHESS with some of my squadmates because the mess is closed so we can't watch tv or play games until after our exams. Now what the hell am i doing playing CHESS and watching people play soccer in a police camp you may ask?? This is the life. Please don't let me get downgraded. This is a blissful resort i can reside in and get commissioned to a nice unit until 2005.
Ok i'm outta here folks, off to watch some tv. (WATCH TV?! But you're supposed to be in camp!!) Hahahaha!
Sunday, June 22, 2003
I never imagined i'd actually be doing any studying or be required to write essays during NS. So here i sit here racking my brains trying to think of a way to fill a 2000 word essay with some legitimate crap. It was much easier in GP at least it was possible to fill 600 words of utter nonsense but 2000 words is a killer. Not to mention that there'd be an exam on PPPO on the 8th of July and i've already missed so many lessons i'd have to spend some time trying to catch up.
Argh. So much for letting my brains rot and cleansing my hands from the poison of notes and books until 2005.
Well other than that. People think i'm insane going around the camp on crutches. I went for unarmed tactics lesson and the instructors called me to the office and at first they said i could go back to the barracks and rest because they didn't want the other trainees to get the idea that i broke my leg as a result of their training haha but i told them i wanted to watch. Damned unarmed tactics is so fun. They're starting to learn how to use the handcuffs and all. All i can do is sit and watch. Blah.
I think the longer i remain in this state, unable to do all the things i wanna do, i seem to have built up some sort of pool of reserved frustration and contorted rage. Lately been rather fascinated with more grindcore songs and their lyrics. So brutal. So flesh grinding. I feel so trapped. Listening to it makes me stronger, in a twisted way. I need release. Thanks to all who have endured my incessant bitching. Haha. I hope someday to reciprocate that kindness.
Cannibal Corpse - Stripped, Raped and Strangled
THEY THINK THEY KNOW WHO I AM
ALL THEY KNOW IS I LOVE TO KILL
FACE DOWN, DEAD ON THE GROUND
FIND ME BEFORE ANOTHER IS FOUND
I COME ALIVE IN THE DARKNESS
LEFT MURDERED AND NAMELESS
DEAD UNBURIED AND ROTTEN
HALF EATEN BY INSECTS
SHE WAS SO BEAUTIFUL
I HAD TO KILL HER
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
Its only 10pm and i feel exhausted already. After a month of inactivity today was somewhat of a whirlwind of a day. So i came back to my bunk, happy to see the guys, only to hear that i've been missing a whole lot of crazy things which have been happening during my absence in camp. One such incident involved my squadmate and some of the swimming instructors. The pool at the police academy had been closed during the entire SARS period and now that its reopened they've finally commenced swimming lessons and apparently the instructors are major assholes. My squad was to have their categorization tests where they'd be place in different groups according to their swimming abilities and the instructors just went "you either swim, or sink". And so it happened to one of my squadmates who really couldn't swim even if his life depended on it. He was forced to jump in and he managed to float his way halfway through the width of the pool only to find himself flailing for help and was practically on the verge of drowning and yet the instructors merely stood by and friggin watched the whole thing like it was some comedy until another of my squadmates had to dive in and help him out. When i heard that i was so disgusted, they didn't give a damn about the safety of anybody for the benefit of their own amusement. I can't wait to get out of this cast and meet these morons face to face for myself.
My course manager has also seemed to have blown his top for no good reason and punishments have been meted out in the past few days quicker than you can say "book out". The squad has suffered 1.5 hrs of combat PT over trivial matters and today for the first time we got confinement and our Wed walk out was taken away (not me lah, i get to come home heh =P) and they have to go for some nightwalk with backpacks in the cemetary (i don't know which one). At first the CM wanted them to go and do physical training AT THE FRIGGIN CEMETERY but my field instructor, who is a kind and logical man, decided that the confinement and punishment should be more of an enjoyable experience and so they're probably enjoying their trip there right as i speak.
Ok sheesh so many things happening but i'm going to SLEEP! Good night folks.
Monday, June 16, 2003
Got more or less a surprise visit from my course manager and a few of my squadmates who all came from camp to take a look at how i've been slacking away from the barracks for the past month. Hadn't seen them for a while so it was nice to see familiar faces again. Seems like i've been missing out on alot of action and in a way i'm glad i haven't been with the squad for sometime because they've been squabbling alot and it was amusing to listen to the stories they told me and i'm telling myself now that when i go back i'm not going to interfere with anything anymore and just let people do what they want from now on. Yeah i'm going back to camp on Wednesday! Frankly i don't know if its a good or bad thing but i definitely don't want to risk getting out of course and its been pretty boring doing practically nothing at home (cept watching tv thats always good). But then again i hope it doesn't slow my recovery because i definitely don't want any permanent damage and not to mention i'll be like some crazy bugger moving around on crutches in a police camp and that will draw many more stares from everyone than if i were in town. I can just imagine myself saying "Morning Sir" and the instructor going "WTF?!"
It was nice of them to bring a basket of fruits (?!?!) and they wrote me a nice card so i guess i'd be looking forward to going back to camp on Wed. Hope i don't regret saying that.
Found out that Kenneth Goh just smashed the 50breast record! Woohoo he's the best, think he'll appear in tomorrow's papers. I'm not surpised he did it at all but i just wish i could've been there to swim in the same race. After i heard it i realized i really miss swimming and i haven't been training seriously since sec4 and its been a really long time since i've done a PB. I just hope that i haven't sustained any permanent damage to my leg because i really wanna get back into it. It sucks seeing rivals improve while i begin to lag behind. It doesn't help that i haven't even seen a swimming pool in more than a month much less stepped into one.
Ah...why do i talk so much when i can't even walk on two legs yet. So many things to be done, so helpless to do any of it. Sheesh
Thursday, June 12, 2003
Well...found out yesterday that i am bound to be trapped in this suffocating cast for yet ANOTHER 4 WEEKS. And there i was half expecting the doctor to say "i am amazed by the improvements so i guess it'll be fine to remove the cast now". But when i saw the friggin X-Ray, the damn crack in my bone is still long and visible i couldn't believe it. All that milk drinking for nothing! Although somehow i'm glad that i hadn't gone for an operation during the initial stages because i didn't realize that they'd put a screw in my friggin bone to help it grow accordingly together and the screw would never come out again. I don't want a screw in my leg for the rest of my life, thanks.
Worst of all, he didn't even arrange to change my cast! So effectively i'd be wearing this cast for 6 weeks straight. I thought maybe i could let my leg breathe for a while before putting on a fresh cast. Oh man...Mills...seriously the docs at SGH are killing me. The regular doctor i was supposed to see was doing some operation and i got this older guy who obviously doesn't know what its like to have a fractured leg despite studying biology or something because he wanted to issue me with "light duties" for 4 weeks instead of an MC. Wtf can i possibly do in camp with light duties?!? Physical training excluding leg exercises?!? Even the nurse understood why an MC would be better for me and she tried to explain it to the stubborn ass of a doctor who finally relented. The doctor refused to tell me whether there was any improvement in the healing process or whatever instead he gave me a bunch of mumbling and gibberish from his mouth which i really wanted to stuff down with my crutches. Thank goodness the nurse was the same one i had seen previously and she recognized me and was really nice and helpful.
4 weeks more on crutches...i might just go insane before i'm completely recovered. The cast will be covered with scratch marks and dents and my knuckles plastered.
So later in the evening i decided what the heck i'm gonna go out with my ex-classmates for dinner. Glad i did. It was nice seeing some of them again rather than staying at home staring at my cast. Just my luck it rained slightly earlier and as a result the ground was a minefield for me, especially when they don't seem to have yet invented crutches with proper grip on the soles. Then again how many maniacs have you seen around town moving around on crutches. So yeah just hung around through the night and chatted with them before heading home.
Guess i'll be getting alot more sleep than i expected. Later folks.
Saturday, June 07, 2003
Finally, after 23 long days straight spent at home, i made a trip to town...even though i'm still on crutches. Although at the end of the day, my foot started to swell again from all the blood flowing to it from standing upright, it was worth it and i'm willing to spend the rest of my time at home until i am fully recovered. Partly because it felt good to go out after so long, and also because it was such a !@#$$%&!! pain in the ass to do so. I must have picked the worst day to go out today because town was overwhelmingly populated with people, who perhaps in their true spirit of kiasu-ism have completely discarded the refuge of their homes after all the SARS commotion and have decided to come out with full and furious fervour. I figured Cine would be a good place to catch a movie because hey Matrix Reloaded has been rolling for the past 3 weeks and everyone in Singapore but me has probably seen it already right? WRONG! Practically every show was completely sold out so i had to make my way down to Marina only to find out it was sold out there as well! So okay nevermind i ended up watching Bruce Almighty. It wasn't too bad a show, that one commentator scene seriously had me laughing hard and long and i haven't seen anything funnier in a long time.
Is seeing someone on crutches in town really that fascinating or something? As i made my way around, people couldn't help but gawk at my crutches and my cast like it were made of gold or maybe i had 3 legs or maybe an amputated one! So ok the staring didn't bother me, hey i guess maybe i would cast more than a mere glance if i saw someone in crutches in town, but it didn't help that they didn't realize that walking on crutches is not like moving on two legs! Some people were like staring and blocking me from moving at the same time. Ok, so i bitch but seriously it was quite ridiculous. Stare all you like but get out of the damn way and stare! Sheesh. The ushers at the cinema were nice though i have trouble going down stairs so they let use the lift. Glad to see some semblance of consideration today. I shall hold myself to that and not do what people have done unto me heh.
So i got home and some of my mother's relatives came over for a visit. They have certainly changed quite a bit as well. Much less quarrelsome and more family-like hah. My recently married uncle has a damned cute daughter i wonder how she'd grow up to be like.
Ok well thats pretty much it for today. My leg has had too much excitement so i shall go elevate it and drain some blood from my toes. Take care folks.
Thursday, June 05, 2003
Been getting rather impatient with myself and with people and things around me. Gotta work on controlling my temper sometimes. I wonder if its true what they say about people with joined eyebrows having a short fuse. heh. Not being able to do things as quickly as i'd normally do them really irritates me. Point to note though, punching fibreglass casts out of frustration is a bad idea, the skin of my knuckles are still smarting from doing that. Simple tasks have to be done with a greater deal of concentration. Like brushing my teeth on one leg. So far i've fallen quite a number of times because i'm so impatient to get things done. On the bright side, i've mastered moving around quickly on crutches. Although i can't wait to be rid of them. Hopefully the overload of calcium intake during this period will equate to a quicker recovery when i go back to the hospital on Thursday and the cracks will somehow disappear on the X-Ray. I'm already planning what to do when the cast comes off. So far : 1) Take a damned long bath and 2) Go for a damned long swim. AHHH. Dying. Of. Boredom.
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
A really beautiful song...please go download heh
Helloween - If I Could Fly
No fear, no pain
Nobody left to blame
I'll try alone
Make destiny my own
I learn to free my mind
Myself I now must find
Once more
Once more
If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
To the heavens I sail
If I could fly
So here I am
In solitude I stand
I've got dreams inside
I need to realize
My faith has grown
No fear of the unknown
No more
No more
If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
I could ravage my jail
If I could fly
If I could, if I could, fly
If I could, if I could, fly
If I could, if I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
To the heavens I sail
If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
I could ravage my jail
If I could fly
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