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Solace of the Shadows
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
I've been plagued by frustration so much its like some scathingly virulent disease set ablaze by the inability to grasp control of myself anymore. No matter how much i want it...how much i try to make it happen...it is beyond my control and that is what incites a manic rage i am bound to tolerate and suppress. It is not my nature to display my emotions so vociferously, yet i feel a need to let it out. How ironic that i turn to typing it out here. I find it so difficult to explain myself, to make clear what it is that devours my thoughts, but it is fueled by the fact that i can't recover as quickly as i expect myself to. Perhaps i am expecting too much from myself, perhaps it is my own ignorance and inadequacy being the bane of my problems, but how exactly does one go about dealing with something which spirals beyond control?
All i want is to get back what i once had, however trivial it may sound. Even more so when the thing which hinders me from attaining it are mere broken bones. Who knew breaking a leg would end up being such a thorn in my side? It sounds so amusing to the indifferent eye but yet it has caused me endless headaches. I do not know when or how i will be liberated from this or whether i am placing this unecessary burden upon myself but no matter how much i try to fight the fire, it grows bigger and if i were to sit back in apathy, it will surely burn me.
The funny thing is i know these thoughts will dissolve by the next morning because i always get over things quickly, perhaps with reckless abandon but i've learnt not to dwell on such things which only grow adversely if i were to but its becoming difficult to ignore something which surfaces so consistently. I really do not enjoy writing as if i am some crazy depressed person but for now it is something i want to purge. I might blog on exactly the incident which ignited this whole entry sometime else...its like a piece of the puzzle i need to decipher for now.
Arch Enemy - Heart Of Darkness
You can't kill me. I am living inside you.
I am a part of your existence
Twisted thoughts in a twisted mind
Provoking you
Black is my heart - dark is my soul
My hatred I can not control
Evil seed growing stronger
Your freewill... Dying!
Inside you - heart of darkness
A part of you - heart of darkness
To deny me, is to deny yourself.
The illusion is dissolved
You are no longer in control
The facade crumbles - the transition is complete
...The transition is complete
I come to you in the night
I am your dark subconscience
I keep you awake, knowing
I am the heart of darkness
Friday, August 22, 2003
I haven't driven myself into such a state of exhaustion in a long time. I've just barely regained the ability to walk without my crutches and straight i go to train the next morning. I can't remember pushing myself this hard for so long, and it feels like i'm quenching some sort of thirst for a journey and i've just taken a large draught. I remember everytime i got weighed down by burdening problems in the past i'd head down to the pool, get in and give the body a good thrashing; then get up, barely able to walk, make my way home and concuss on the bed unable to even think about what my problems were. That was good. Although i'm pretty much contented with most things, it still feels good to relive that pain. And boy did it hurt. I lasted for maybe the first 2-3km before my arms were just madly flailing in desperation and all that functioned was my head trying to urge my limbs into motion through the water. After training my body numbed from the exertion and all i could muster was to drag my butt back into the car and back home where i just ravenously consumed food. Its achingly good to do all these things i used to do. It feels like such a long time. I know when i wake up i will feel the excruciating aches and creaks but it only spurs me to want to feel more of it, because it is insanely my high.
Going to get some sleep now...at 11.20 in the morning?!
Will recall my week at Ubin...what a week that was. Later folks
Friday, August 15, 2003
Ok it seems like nowadays life has been one big seesaw. One moment i feel good and the next i feel like jumping off a ledge. I think when you're partially handicapped it does something to your head and screws up the emotions or something because i'm much more sensitive to things right now it feels like i'm having lucid intervals.
Firstly i'm kind of happy to feel an improvement in my walking ability after one week. I don't know if its normal to improve at this rate or what, but one week ago i'd have collapsed easily just by trying to put pressure on my bad leg. But after physio today it kind of helped a whole lot because i'm down to one crutch and the pain seems to be lessened quite a bit. I gotta hand it to my therapist he's one heck of a nice guy and very helpful. He was from NJC haha. He did the usual ultrasound treatment on me and did some sort of massage...well its not really a massage its more of pressing down on the nerve or bone around the area of my foot which is hindering me from walking the most to get the blood flowing and all. My foot is still pretty swollen, and when he pressed down hard on it, i could see a distinct imprint of his thumb on my foot like some crater. Looked pretty horrible heh but it helped quite alot. But hopefully at this rate i'd be free of crutches in a week or so. Please let it be.
Next of all, my squad is scheduled to go to Pulau Ubin next week from Monday to Friday. Although it sure as hell isn't going to be a vacation of any sort, i figure it ought to be pretty fun. Not that i'd be able to participate in much but at least i'd be a part of it somehow. Initially i thought what the hell would i be able to do there so i expected that my CM would probably ask me to stay home but he decided that i should go after all. Although now once he's said its got me thinking if its a wise thing to do especially when my leg has started to show signs of improvement i don't really want to put myself in a situation which might jeopardize it entirely. I don't know, as much as i would like to go i don't want to risk screwing everything up and landing myself with a partially incapable leg for life just because i want to enjoy things now. Although my therapist told me i'd only be able to regain around 80% of my full strength back and every time i run i'd feel pain because of the broken cartiledge and all, which sucks majorly.
These next few weeks are going to be the exact opposite of what its been like in camp lately. Both sides of the coin are good, slacking has been good but all these events coming up are pretty fulfilling as well (yes slacking is fulfilling). I just wish i could have a better taste of it instead of being sidelined most of the time but i suppose i should just be content with the fact that i can finally use both my legs again.
Monday, August 11, 2003
There's something oddly depressing about birthdays. I've never really celebrated my birthday since i was maybe p6 or so. I've never felt the need to because it never seems like something much to celebrate about. Inviting people out for dinner would be a pain in the ass and they'd just be enjoying a free treat. I guess maybe i'm just contented with the simple wishes here and there from random people who remember. Or maybe i'm just kidding myself. Then again, why the hell should people bother to remember your birthday? Is it more of a deal to them or to myself? Why do i feel disappointed in a sense when people can't be bothered about it? I know i shouldn't care less, and most of the time i don't, but sometimes when i spend my bdaes like today just moping around doing nothing, the nagging feeling that i should be spending the day doing something special creeps into mind.
But there's nothing much i can do about it can i? Its not anything i can "fix" or make right, i guess i just chose this for myself. Whether i seem to like it or not. Probably not. Hey its my first birthday as a mild cripple, i ought to fucking celebrate.
Hmm some random thoughts have been bugging me for a while. I realize sometimes there are situations whereby i would very much like to tell the person i am talking to what i really think, but more often than not i end up saying something far from how i feel, especially if its someone i consider a good friend, because i don't want to jeopardize the friendship as much as the thing really irritates the heck out of me.
Or when you realize that all your friend ever talks about is the same old thing. And you always find yourself having to show concern and give advice all the time and the friend goes on and on about his/her troubles and never stops to wonder, hey, i'm always talking about this to you all the time. Although most of the time i'm fine with being the one who listens, sometimes i wish they'd wake the hell up and realize that its really irritating when all conversations always end up focusing on the same thing time and time again. I'm always having to listen to you tell me about your problems with other people. It drives me mad.
am i making any sense? am i being a hypocrite? Random thoughts.
Thursday, August 07, 2003
I haven't felt this happy in such a long time. Definitely not during the past 3 months up til this day. I don't know if i should say i had a good day, somehow i always end up jinxing myself by saying that, but definitely it wasn't a bad day either. Finally, i got to saw the infernal cast off. Finally, i got a nice doctor for a change. I don't know why my doctors switched nor do i care because i hated my previous doctor during my last two appointments and i'm glad i got this guy today because he actually looked like he gave a damn about his patients. The nurses were really nice to me even though compared to some other patients i saw in the hospital, my plight was simply a trivial one to bother about. I didn't even have to argue with the doctor to give me a friggin MC instead he asked if i needed one. He then scheduled me to go for physiotherapy tomorrow. I couldn't be more grateful that i didn't get the same doctor as before (Mills i guess there must be hope after all heh).
After this whole incident, i'm just content with the fact that all my limbs are intact and i have full control over my bodily functions. I hope i'm not just saying this because i really am grateful for this and i hope i don't take it for granted and end up like so many people i see who whine and bitch so much about not being able to have this and that or not being able to do this or that. I just don't want to see myself end up like that ever. I never thought i'd have broken my leg that day. It just happened. Things happen. Not always for a reason. And i'm not going to put myself in such a stupid situation again i hope, because there's so many more things i could be doing besides sitting my ass wasting the time away for months.
One of the few things i did the moment i got home was to head straight for the bathroom where i proceeded to pour a continuous stream of water on my leg which has not seen the sun since the 16th of May. I couldn't take it anymore and i started scratching feverishly at all the itches i could never scratch when it was imprisoned in the cast. I sat there and scratched for a good 15 mins or more, with increasing force and fervour at the satisfaction of finally being able to do it. I scratched until my hand started to ache and my foot had gone red raw. I've never seen so much dead skin and dirt wash away. I finally stopped when i realized my foot was started to sting because i had small cuts from scratching so much and so hard until i finally dug into the fresh skin beneath. Now my foot just looks like one big red blister.
I've realized after these 3 months there have been two distinct personalities i've encountered. The first being the ones who couldn't give a damn and the second being those who showed some semblance of concern. I'm thankful for all those who listened to my incessent complaints and rants during the entire period. Its funny that the people you expect to be there when u need them suddenly desert you or change into someone else and yet there are those whom you never really spoke to much but somehow they are there when you need them to be there the most. I guess its good because this whole thing has been like one big crucible, weeding out the fakes from the ones i can really depend on. And stepping back to take a look at it, i don't seem to have many. But it doesn't matter i'm happy with the ones i have. If you happen to read this and you think for a second you could be one of those fakes, hell you probably are!
I'm much more determined now than ever to prove those who doubted me wrong, and make them eat their damned words. For some reason i'm so pysched now even though i know it'll subside i hope it'll be enough to carry me back on track from where i left off, and i'm not going to bring myself down so easily again. Its time to get back what i lost. I'm so bitter about things now, i don't know why but its been somewhat of a harsh reality these past 3 months and not many people out there know what i've been through, perhaps no one at all, but it doesn't matter anymore. I'll make all of them pay. I may be saying these things out of spite and blind anger but i don't think i will regret it much.
I'm going for a swim. Finally.
Tuesday, August 05, 2003
Amorphis - Black Winter Day
This is how the lucky feel
How the blessed think
Like daybreak in spring
The sun on a spring morning
Like the flat brink of a cloud
Like a dark night in autumn
But how do I feel
In my gloomy depths?
A black winter day
No, darker than that
Gloomier than an autumn night
Saturday, August 02, 2003
5 more days
So tired today even though i didn't do much...have no idea why though.
Went to my classmate's surprise bdae party...although as i had predicted that it'd be terribly extra and awkward for me to go in this condition, i wanted to wish her well so i went in the end. She's one of the couple of girls in my class i'm actually able to get along with and she deserves all she has. I gotta say she has awesome parents and friends who can organize such an event for her, at Embassy no less. Bleh meant to get a present, maybe soon. Well if by some miracle she reads this, Happy Birthday Mel (in another 15 days that is).
I realize nowadays i'm not one for social events. I've become much more of a home boy now. Whenever i go out i'd feel so relieved to be back home, somehow it just seems to provide me with an overwhelming sense of comfort and security...much more so than i've ever felt in a long time. I feel so distant from so many people now, yet i am oddly satisfied by this and what i have. When i can finally start to walk again, i foresee myself doing things much more simply. Somehow i am much more appreciative of the simple things in life now, everything complicated seems to lack necessity. I just want things to go slow and easy now...i don't know how thats going to happen but somehow i hope it all turns out all right. Things haven't been exactly great up til now but i hope they turn around. If that doctor tells me on Thursday that this cast has to stay on for any longer, i might just commit culpable homicide not amounting to murder on him. I've already been disappointed by him twice i don't want it another time.
Eyes tired, think i'll hit the sack soon. Alot of funny thoughts whirling around. Good night folks.
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