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Solace of the Shadows
Saturday, November 29, 2003
There's like what, 10 more days to commission? Parade rehearsals have begun and despite the tiring schedule of practicing drills constantly, all the fatigue is numbed by the fact that in 10 friggin days, we'll be out of the academy. We'll get our first real rank, we won't have to march around like drones, won't have to see the fucked up faces of the junior officers, won't have to eat the mess food (which is quite good at times though), won't have to wake up at 6am bleary eyed for PT, won't have to live in a forsaken barrack, won't have to shower with freezing cold water....and the list continues.
Although i am going to miss quite a few people in the squad, there are several morons i will be glad not to see and hopefully they won't be posted to the same place as me. For our parade, we've been given the privilege of having our ranks affixed by our parents. The ONLY squad, and i must admit, the most deserving. There's all the hoo-ha about the other junior officer squads feeling that we're being put in the limelight and all, but what the hell do they know about the kind of training we've had to endure in comparison with them. We take 13 exam papers, we've been a friggin trainee for almost a YEAR, we've had to tolerate all the crap that the J.O.s give us during provost duties or whenever. Can they honestly say that after the kind of discipline that they exhibit, after all the nonsense i've seen during my 8 months in the academy, that they deserve anything? They know a whole lot about how to 'wayang' whenever there's an instructor around, but behind the instructor's backs, they do all kinds of shit. If any of them can seriously say that they are in any way better than our squad, they are more than welcome to come up and speak their minds. I've seen and heard it all. And frankly, i don't feel the least bit guilty that they get nothing. They've mocked us constantly when they're just a bunch of ill-disciplined people and they can come get some from me if they want to. Come the day of the parade itself, i won't give a damn when their parents feel bad that only the parents from our squad get to fix the ranks on us because then they can see that there's a clear distinction between the OCTs and the SCs. And as for the morons in my squad, the ones that have been complaining so damned much about not having the affixing of our rank, when we finally get the privilege, they have to act like a bunch of monkeys and jeopardize everything by acting exactly like how we shouldn't be. They don't care about anything but what they want, and they do things for themselves, on their own accord, disregarding the general consensus of the squad. These guys, they can burn in hell.
On the whole though, its been a pretty good week. Some of us recently had to attend this charity musical at the NUS cultural centre and it was pretty fun. While we were waiting to go back into the hall during the intermission, president S R Nathan was standing nearby and he came up to us and shook our hands. It was really weird, like he was some uncle we could joke with. At least i can tell people now that i got to shake the president's hand haha.
I don't normally listen to these types of songs, but this one's stuck in my head and i recommend anyone out there to download it right here, right now : The Strokes - 12.51
Have a good week ahead folks
Monday, November 24, 2003
Its been around 7 fuckin months since i last stepped on the starting blocks to swim an event. I'd almost forgotten the unescapable high it gave me. So little has actually mattered during the past few months, i've found little purpose in anything that i've done lately, but this evening somehow has changed the bulk of it.
In general, swimmers are an arrogant and cocky breed of human. They revel in the limelight and seek to gain as much attention as possible through their flamboyance and attitude. They're right up there alongside the ruggers and polo players. I'm practically the polar opposite of that. They tend to think extremely highly of themselves, and although part of it is necessary if you want to get anywhere in terms of the sport, alot of them tend to get carried away in the process. And today just reminded me of it all. I loathed every single bit of it, their pre-race antics and mind games, and yet it only sought to feed my desire to kick all their asses, to show them that all you need to do is to shut up and swim. I've missed the feeling of being the underdog, coming into a race with no one giving a damn who you are, not feeling the least bit intimidated by your presence, but at the end of the race, they get hit harder than a ton of bricks after you've left a trail of devastation in your wake.
I think all the people in my race were pretty shocked to see me, they probably thought i had quit swimming for good, only to suddenly make an appearance out of no where. It felt good. I don't know if i have expectations too high for myself, but even though i am satisfied with my time, based on the fact that its only been 3 friggin months since i've been freed from the cast, and that in comparison with the rest i train like a sunday-morning recreational swimmer, i can't help but feel i could have pushed harder. The past few days have been far from favourable conditions for the race today but fuck it all, everything is against me and i'm just sick and tired of that.
Just one race, and it felt like a drug, temporary ecstacy with that aftertaste leaving you begging for more. Its far too early to make any certainty, but at least it's finally going somewhere. And they can be sure as hell about one thing, that i'll be back for more.
Saturday, November 15, 2003
The guys are back from their OBS and i have to admit its rather relieving to have them back, so now we're at full strength and into the final leg of this course. Mark that calendar, 10th December; pack our bags and we're outta the academy. I just hope i can finish the accursed unarmed tactics and handcuffing lessons in time. I don't want to have to go back again. And i definitely want to go for my 1 month attachment.
Besides that, i think everything else happening in camp is utter madness. A typical day now would be waking up at 4.15am to eat before fasting begins, then back to sleep only to awake for flag raising at 6.30. After which the day's activities (usually consisting of either the staff work lessons we have to go to or sleeping) ensues, and the rest of the evening is usually spent in the mess playing warcraft 3 or watching vcds until 12-1am. In between its becoming increasingly difficult to find time to train. Mostly because trying to swim and fast at the same time is a tricky feat and one heck of an exhaustive one. I don't know if this abstinence is helping or just making things harder to do but i don't feel any improvement and the competition is going to be on the 24th this month which just happens to be the same day as the staff work paper AND the day before Hari Raya. I just have all the friggin luck.
Despite the fact that i've had to endure so much pain over this long period of time, i feel as if my threshold for pain has declined significantly. Maybe i'm just too weary with everything thats happened. Everytime i train and i tell myself to push further, to ignore the throbbing pain in my body blurring my vision, to pull harder, dig deeper; i fall short of my expectations. I feel stagnanted. Where the hell am i going with all this. The frustration is coupled with the fact that on weekends when i go back to my club to train there's never a certainty that the coach might be around and its just plain ridiculous. I've always wanted to see how far i can go, how much i can push myself, but the conditions are never in my favour, never giving me the opportunity to experience it. I can't even remember when i last possessed that psychophatic hunger craving to become faster, regardless of any amount of pain which might obstruct me from reaching my goals. That would probably be somewhere back in secondary school, which is pathetic. Sometimes when the pain in my leg begins its dull painful reminder it makes me feel like ripping it out, as if it were a seperate part of me, as if it somehow by beating it and smashing it into submission it would make it better. Where did my motivation go? Where did the drive go? All i get now are fleeting moments of inspiration which convince me that i still can get back to the level i thought i once had. Ultimately, i realize that i endure all this for my parents, and with a dormant conciousness, for myself as well, because i'm just damned fed up with losing to put it all frankly. Contrary to how i might sound, i am not saddened by all this. For some reason i always sound depressed. Admittedly at times i am, but more often than not i'm just pissed off with how things are going, because either i'm doing it wrong, or someone up there just hates me for some reason.
Well, thats just it for this week.
Saturday, November 01, 2003
Ok i think i really should come up with a list of things i SHOULD NOT eat for breakfast to constantly remind myself before i go for morning training especially since i'm so out of shape. Here's two i can think of for now :
1. Chocolate brownie and coffee (oh man this one is a killer)
2. Nasi Lemak (with alot of sambal) and tea
I dunno why but the first combination almost killed me in the pool this morning, i felt like i was going to puke every lap i sprinted and i wanted to explain to the coach why i was swimming like a drowning victim but i decided against it in case he should suffer a heart attack from laughing at me.
Fasting is seriously draining me. It always comes at a bad period. I got a competition coming up but i don't know how i'm going to go about training for it now because my food-deprived body can only take so much damage before it konks out on me. Argh.
Basically my squad has gone for their 13 day OBS in Pulau Ubin, leaving me and Hau Geng behind because we both failed the medical examination due to injuries; so we've ended up slacking big time in the aircon mess playing Quake3 and watching vcds all day until our brains go numb. We moved our beds from the barracks because its no joke to sleep alone in the barracks at night unless you want to meet stuff you don't normally see in the day. We've also ended up with the task of preparing for our commissioning on the 10th of Dec by doing all the planning and decision making for the dining in and stuff. Somehow, we also landed up with the job of setting exam questions for some of the subjects and now i know how a pain in the ass it can be. Answering questions is definitely alot easier than making them.
The sudden excess of time has led to alot of thinking and mind wandering. I've said it time and time again, its been one heck of a crappy past 5-6 months or so. And i've grown so weary of camp life. Every single weekend now all i spend it is by staying home or going for training in the morning because thats all i want to do. I don't know if it should be something of concern but somehow its not bothering me all that much except it leaves the lingering feeling that i'm isolating myself from everyone. Its not how i want it to be. I think its incredibly fortunate that after commissioning we'll all be getting 8 to 5 jobs because i can't imagine how it'll be like to spend the entire 2.5 years cooped up in camp during the weekdays only to escape for the weekends because that really would be National Slavery. I have to use this time well. I keep telling myself that but yet i falter and stumble. Many other thoughts have been weaving about in my head but i can't really seem to put them into words just yet.
Its funny how listening to music seems to make everything better.
Download :
Killswitch Engage - When Darkness Falls
The Black Dahlia Murder - Elder Misanthropy
Chef - Chocolate Salty Balls
Take care folks.
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