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Solace of the Shadows
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Been an exhausting past few days, ended up sleeping the moment i come into contact with my bed. Work has been piling on, specially since my senior is going to ORD soon and i assume his post fully.
Been also meaning to write about the Station Defence Exercise we had over the weekend but been too tired to do anything but sleep the moment i get home. But it was an interesting, although mostly boring, experience. Basically it meant simply guarding the station in times of emergency and controlling the flow of people in and out of the station. I had to do the night shift which meant 12 hours of staying awake from 8pm to 8am the next day. I had to force myself many times to stay awake. Plus the station was kind of eerie at night. Fortunately though, my colleague, a regular, who is in charge of maintaining security at Jurong Island, invited me to tag along with him to conduct a surprise audit at the industrial island at like 2am in the morning.
It was pretty amazing to see the numerous industrial estates at night, like a scene out of a science fiction movie. We took the police car and visited various checkpoints to make sure the sentries were doing their job and security is maintained which was basically at the 3 main oil refineries, Exxon Mobil, Singapore Petroleum and i forgot the last one. Security there is pretty tight. They had army vehicles patrolling with armed GPMGs at 3am in the morning. If terrorists were to bomb an area in Singapore, Jurong Island would definitely be it. 3/4 of our country's power and electrical supply come from there. It would truly be a frightening thought. It looked incredibly vunerable. A good experience to have visited the place nonetheless.
In other matters however, I went to the airport with Bryan on Monday to send Denise off. I don't remember having done that for anyone else so it was the first time i guess. I think its very saddening each time i hear someone i know going overseas to study or whatever. It feels emptier not having that person around. Would i ever see that person again? How will things be like without that person. I always feel strongly about friends i know going overseas even though i know it may be the best option for them. Actually seeing them walk away with the knowledge that in a few hours they will be several hundreds or thousands of kilometres away was quite a saddening experience.
Anyway, this post is a tribute to Denise. Make sure you remember your purpose for leaving home. Study hard and make the most of your time there. Don't miss home because it will only serve to distract you more. Spend every second meaningfully and before you know it you will be back home (whether or not you want to come home after you spend your 9 months there is another matter heh). I also have to fulfill a promise to your mom which is to psycho you not to hang out with a certain someone while you're there. So make sure you DON'T because i will continue to bug you haha. Take care you.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
I have to admit today simply kicked ass. It has been an achingly long time since i last remembered swimming this well for a race. Even though a part of me knows it was no where near my best, and even though lack of training is never an excuse, i count myself grateful for tonight. Considering the amount of training i've been putting in; i wish i could've trained more, i didn't expect to make the time i did. It was a huge load off my chest. Swimming the race tonight was almost 90% mental. Most of the race was swum in my head before the actual swim took place. What Kenneth said during training did make an impression on me.
I spent the entire day thinking through why i continue to swim. I know one thing for sure, i haven't yet gone as far as i'd have wanted. I haven't pushed myself to my limits, i haven't gotten a chance to test myself fully. And then i wondered if i ever could get back that form. After breaking my leg, everything seemed to go downhill. It left me in a complete state of loss, everything simply came crashing down. Suddenly just being able to walk normally again was of utmost priority.
I almost felt like quitting, almost felt like giving it all up. I couldn't see any purpose in going on. But i haven't felt so encouraged after tonight. It was absolutely worth it to have taken a day off from work just to swim the event tonight.
I really really hope i don't end up regretting saying that. I refuse to jinx myself this time. I'm on a high, i don't care how long it lasts. I just want to make the most out of everything now. I know i lack the same discipline i had before. I have to change that somehow. And i gotta remember what that feeling was like.
Sunday, March 14, 2004
We always want more. Our selfish irrespressible need to put ourselves before others. We are all guilty of it at some point or another. Some may find those often material needs easier to reach. Others may not be as fortunate. But it does little to placate our inexorable thirst.
Is that our right? "Who cares about others, all i should be concerned about is myself, me me and me. It serves no purpose to give in to anyone else, in reality who truly bothers about another? Everybody thinks for themselves."
Even in giving, is there still semblence of inner desire? When we offer help, when we give to those in need, do we not want to feel a sense of satisfaction, a sense of self-gratification, which only serves to make us feel better about ourselves? Then we can say we did something for someone for our own glorified sense of fulfillment. To make US feel at ease. Lessen the guilt, alleviate our pain.
And yet, can a desire to be forgiving and selfless be considered an act of greed? How many things do we do such that we do not expect anything at all in return, whether intangible or in physical form. The want to possess a quality others may not have. Undoubtedly, however, there are certain acts we do which are untainted by such demands.
Many a time, i tell myself to be more forgiving. To understand why i cannot have what i want. To disregard something which may bother me. To put myself in the shoes of the other party. Not to allow my temper to overcome me. I need to exercise control over myself. Its very weird how we battle against ourselves. Exactly who or what are we fighting?
Wanting something is not wrong. Not realizing why you cannot have it is another matter.
Anyway thanks to those who said something. I'm fine now. As you might have already guessed i possibly have a screw loose somewhere. Beats me why. I guess that's what this blog is for. Purgatory.
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Wow to put it very simply, i am just fucking miserable right now. Work, friends, colleagues, swimming...hmm actually that pretty much accounts for most of what happens each day now.
Anyway those who hate me, dislike me, or just plain enjoy reading about the sufferings of others, here's your chance to rejoice and watch me revel in my loss.
I really need to beat someone up. I don't know why. Or those who would like to try beating me up may do so. One by one please. I think ganging up on one person is really stupid.
Sometimes you wait in anticipation for something which comes and you realize that you have nothing left to look forward to anymore because everything goes downhill from there and you wish you had never gone looking forward to it and you want everything to be the way it was before it happened.
Ok i hate talking like a fuckin neurotic cos it sounds damn lame or what but what the hell yeah.
Saturday, March 06, 2004
Listening to some things have suddenly made me think about how much i regret certain things in life...and how no matter how much i would have wanted to go back in time somehow and do it all over again and hopefully effect changes, it is simply impossible.
It is said that things happen for a reason, and that there will always be alternate routes to a desired outcome. But there are certain things which are indelible in their consequence and which will only serve to remain a broken memory. Especially when that event has a dramatic impact on your life. Sometimes you ask yourself, why do these things happen then? Why do you allow yourself to be subjected to failure?
If i had a chance to go back in time and change one thing, i know what that would be. But i'm not entirely confident anymore as a result of its outcome that i could fare better the second time round. So where would that place me? Sometimes it is just plain difficult to look ahead when what you've left behind is in complete shambles. But in the end, somehow, a way has to be found.
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